Today is a Good Day

"Today is a Good Day. I woke up this morning on the bed with my two people, Her that's been with me for a long time, Him that's been with me for a while but not as long as her. They are both good to me and I love them both. It's warm today, and I am mostly comfortable. I am not breathing that well though, it's like there is something pressing inside me and making it hard. Not breathing well makes me tired, but I am with my people and it is warm and I am happy.

I feel a different pressure inside me and I know I have to go outside. I can't get down by myself though, and really, I am not even that sure I can walk too well if I did. Luckily, She picks me up and carries me outside and puts me down to do what I have to. It is really warm out today and the air smells good. I am a little too tired to walk around and pick a good spot, since breathing is not good today, so I just go where I am and look at her and hope She picks me back up to go inside. She does. She takes good care of me and I love Her. Today is a good day.

When we go back inside, She gives me food to eat and I am hungry and it is good. And there is water and I am thirsty and I drink it and it is good. All this activity is making me tired though, because breathing is not good today. She picks me up and puts me on the couch. She seems sad. He seems sad too. But they love me and they smile at me, even though they look sad. The door is open to the balcony and most days when it is warm like this I would want to go out there and sit in the sun and smell the air. Today I am tired and I will stay on the couch. The air smells good though. I sit and rest and smell the air and they sit with me and get up and walk around and talk to each other and talk to the little things they carry. They look sad, but I don't know why, because today is a good day. Even though I can't breathe very well today, I am still happy.

I'm not sure when exactly because I lose track of time, but She goes out the door and down the stairs at some point. When She comes back, He is with her. The old Him, the First Him from when I first started living with Her. He looks sad too, but He also looks very happy to see me. I try to stand up to greet Him, but I am tired and breathing is not very good today. He comes and sits with me and pets me and rubs my belly and strokes my temples and it is like it used to be when He lived with me. I still love Him and I am happy to see Him. What a good day!

She brings Him my bag of my favorite treats and He breaks them into pieces and feeds them to me. Even though I am tired and breathing is not very good today, I am still very excited for my favorite food. He lets me eat everything that's left in the bag! I eat so many treats and I am full and I am happy and He is here and She is here and He is here too. I love them all very much and the air smells good and it is warm. Today is a good day.

Then they are here too, the other people that She and I lived with, in between First Him and New Him. Other Her and Tall Him. Why are all the people sad today? They smile at me and pet me and I can tell they are happy to see me like I am happy to see them but they are sad too. If breathing was better today I would run around and let them see how happy I am for them to be here, but I am too tired. I stay on the couch and let them come to me and that way I don't have to breathe as hard. I am very lucky because all of my favorite people are here today and I love them all and they are never all here together and today is special. It is a good day today.

They talk to each other while they look at me and pet me and then First He says a word I know, he says "Car" and I know what that means and I am happy and I am excited and I try to get up and I do stand up but I am still tired. They all laugh at how excited I am but they also look like they will cry. Some of them are. I don't know why they are sad when it is such a good day but I am happy they are here and I am happy to go in the car. Breathing is not good today or I would run to the door. First He picks me up instead and we all go outside and First He is carrying me and then he hands me to Her in the car and New He is in the car too and the three of us go for a ride in the car! The window is open and I can smell the air and it is warm and it smells good and I am riding in the car and I am happy.

Then we are at the house with lots of other animals. She hands me to First Him and She talks to other people there. First He holds me and New He and Tall He and Other She are all petting me and telling me I am a good girl and they seem even sadder but I know they love me and they say so and I love them too and I am very happy they are all here with me today. If breathing was better today I would run around with them because today is a good day for that, I can tell.

Then we go into the room where I have been before. All of us go in and we sit and they pet me and they look sad but they are all here with me since today is a good day and special. Sometimes the people who live in this house are nice to me in this room, but sometimes they poke me and it hurts. I have been here two times recently, and both times they took away some of my hair and they poked me and it hurt and I didn't like it, but breathing got better after that. Usually they are nice to me except for the poking. None of them are as nice to me as the people who are in the room now, these are my favorite people and they are all here today! Today is a good day!

The people who live in this house come in and I am sitting on a towel on a table and they pet me too and they talk to Her and everyone is listening and everyone is sad but they are all petting me and they whisper to me that I am good and they all love me. There are so many people here that I am excited but breathing is not very good and being excited is making me tired. Then She holds on to me and I can feel First Him behind me, he is still petting me, and the people who live in this house poke me and it hurts but not very much and then everyone is sad but they are all petting me and saying nice things to me. She and First He pet me the most, and everyone else does it sometimes too.

Maybe it is because I'm not breathing very well today, but I am feeling more tired. But I do not want to take a nap because I am with my favorite people and I love them and I am so happy to be with them all. Today is a special day and a good day with all of them. They say a word I know, they say "sit" and I don't really want to but they gently push me into sitting and it is more comfortable. Then they say another word I know, they say "lie down" and they say "night night" and I am feeling very tired and I want to go night night but I also don't want to go night night because they are all here and I want to be with them. They are all looking so sad but they are still saying that I am good and they love me and they are petting me. She is petting me the most and First He is petting me the most too and they are all petting me though.

I am getting so tired now I can barely keep my eyes open but before I close them I see Her and then I close them and I hear the people who live in this house come back in. I am sleeping and I can feel Her and First Him still petting me. I love them. I love all of them here today. I don't even really notice another poke. When I wake up, I hope they are still all here because them being here makes today special and a very good day. Today is a good day. Today is a good day. Today is a good-"

Goodbye Penelope. I will always love you and remember you. I hope your last day really was a very special day and a very good day. Rest easy, little dog, and if there's anything after this, I'll see you again someday.

Love always,
First Him

The Moon Returns to the Earth

It's been a couple of weeks now since Luna died. Luna was a rabbit, a black Mini Rex. She lived with me in four separate residences, for about... was it 3 years? I lose track. Luna was not old as rabbits go, she fell ill unexpectedly and held out a couple of days before passing on. She died in the middle of the night between a Sunday and Monday, and if she had survived, she would've gone to the vet that very day. In retrospect, she probably should've gone to the emergency weekend vet, but even then they may not have been able to do anything. So it goes.

Luna was a funny animal, and frustrating in many ways. She wasn't particularly social, and especially loathed being held. Clipping her nails was always an awful ordeal for all involved, her included. I more than once likened caring for her to caring for an autistic child. She did need love and care, but had a lot of challenges understanding that fact and showing any sort of reciprocal affection. She was no dog, anyway. She also had the annoying habit of chewing on nearly anything she could get near. There's a hole in my rug thanks to her. And in my tool bag (not that tool bag, you pervert). And in the cardboard DVD case for Yojimbo/Sanjuro. Not my favorite habit of hers.

Those annoyances aside, there were plenty of things she did that were cute or funny. She used to have a cardboard box she would get underneath and hang out in, and periodically hop around with the box still on top of her. It looked as though the box had come to life. Scared the shit out of a cat named Hammurabi more than once. She was generally pretty fearless about other animals, more or less unfazed by the cats and dogs she met. She was neither friendly nor fearful of them, mostly indifferent. This confused other animals sometimes, as they were unsure if she was peer, prey, threat, or what.

She loved getting into small spaces, such as the aforementioned cardboard box, or any cardboard box that made it her way. She used to try to get behind couches and under chairs, and frequently enjoyed nestling in her little purple "igloo" in her cage. The cutest thing she would do was sit on her hind legs and use her forepaws to wash her face. This was friggin' adorable.

People sometimes asked about the origin of her name. In the West, we have the Man in the Moon, the facelike shape we see in the shadows on the moon. In Japan, they see the shadows from a slightly different angle, and see a Rabbit in the Moon. Luna, being black like shadows, was the little moon rabbit. Luna also doubled as a Harry Potter reference, much to the delight of her co-owner, Meredith Whisper.

Her new home, her forever home, is a spot in the corner of the backyard. Rabbits make their homes in the earth, even moon rabbits, and so to the earth she's returned. Her last few days, while surely uncomfortable due to her illness, were spent as comfortably as possible, cared for by not only me but my roommate Tim de Berewyse and my girlfriend Tracy Allvis as well. She got to enjoy her first and only bath, which I thought she would hate but she actually seemed to like. Her burial was witnessed by my other roommate, Addie Horsehead and her brother Parker.

Rest easy Luna. You were a good rabbit and when I leave for an overnight or weekend stay somewhere, I'm still in the back of my mind thinking about making sure you're cared for in my absence. I imagine this will pass in time, but I know memories of you will always be there in my mind to call up any time I want to.

On another note, I want to donate Luna's leftover supplies, food, treats, cage, etc. to someone or some organization that can make good use of them. I called the local animal rescue league but they don't handle rabbits. If you have any thoughts, please leave them as comments!

My Friend Joe

It's entirely possible that you've made the acquaintance of my friend Joe. Joe has made the acquaintance of many, many individuals. I speak not of Joe Danube, who may be mentioned in future tales of my college days, nor any other of the myriad of Joes who've crossed my path before or since. No, I speak of a Joe best known for his tendency toward trade, so much so that he carries the descriptor before his name. Surely you know this Joe, Joe the Trader.

My relations with Trader Joe have been quite warm since our introduction, but recently Joe has done me a service worth its weight in gold. Now you may recall that, oh, probably a year or more back, I decided to try to restrict my intake of products which have their origin in the flesh of pigs. While this carries certain health benefits, the root reason was because of an ethical dilemma regarding their intelligence. However, I struggled and continue to struggle with the fact that many food items of a porcine nature are, to speak with even grander eloquence than you've been subject to thus far, fucking delicious. Particularly bacon. Especially bacon. Specifically bacon.

Bacon presents by far the most difficult aspect of trying to dine relatively pork-free. Pigs are something like the 4th smartest animal, possessed of intellect and personality. However, bacon is something like the 1st most delicious food, possessed of flavor, texture, addictiveness, and the capacity to be used either as food or condiment. Being a man as I am with a certain weakness towards appetites, it has been quite trying to forgo bacon, and indeed, if I neither ask for nor pay for it, I grant myself a certain loophole and indulge.

I have tried to find reasonable substitutes. Bacon Salt was a major find, allowing bacon flavor to be added to a number of other foods. However, a major part of bacon's appeal is its texture. I resigned myself to turkey bacon as a facsimile, but really, turkey bacon is not bacon. It doesn't taste quite like bacon. It doesn't feel quite like bacon. It's good, and I enjoy it, but it's not at all in the same league.

Or so I thought.

Trader Joe's sells an uncured, applewood smoked, peppered turkey bacon. I would provide a link to the product, but ol' Joe is apparently bashful about giving his products a proper web presence. Suit yourself, Joe. I bought it in hopes it would be a bit better than most turkey bacon. I discovered it is, in fact, better than most bacon.

Let me repeat that. It is better than most bacon.

How is that even possible? It doesn't seem like it should be. But, to ensure the first package wasn't merely a fluke, I bought a second. The flavor is excellent, with the peppered finish providing a mild spiciness. The texture is, in my opinion, superior to that of all but the finest thick-cut bacon, having thickness, firmness, and no fatty rubberiness. I've been cooking it using a cast iron skillet, to which it takes quite well. I have eaten it straight up and I've also crumbled it for use in a custom salad I threw together. The texture lends itself to this quite well actually, tearing into small bits easily without being dry and brittle. Compared to normal bacon, it tastes and feels more savory and less fatty. I think the nutritional info bears this out, but, again, to raise the eloquence, fuck if I know for sure.

And so, seven paragraphs on the subject (nine if you count the single line paragraphs). If you, like me, are a lover of bacon and if you, also like me, are interested in potential replacements, and if you, still further like me, are neither vegetarian nor vegan, then I believe you owe it to yourself to try Trader Joe's Uncured Applewood Smoked Peppered Turkey Bacon. Hell, even lovers of bacon with no particular compunctions about it should give it a spin. You may find it to exceed your wildest expectations, as it did mine, and earn a place in your bacon greatest hits. Without reservation, I award my friend Joe (who I hope will be your friend as well) with the recognition of the best turkey bacon I've ever encountered by an enormous margin, and with further honor for producing a top-quality bacon product by any measure.

Yo, my friend Joe should pay me for this effusive fucking advert. Oh, and I guess it's ten paragraphs now. Also, sorry 'bout the cussing, sensitive types.

Peggle (Not The Same As Pegging)

Peggle is a game available on Windows, Mac OS X, Xbox 360, Nintendo DS, iPod, iPod Touch, and iPhone. Thanks to my recently acquired, super cheap Xbox 360 ($80!) I have been enjoying playing Peggle this week. The game is fairly simple, each stage is a static image upon which an array of moving or stationary pegs and blocks are overlayed, and the goal is to shoot small silver balls from the top-center of the screen and bounce them around like Plinko to break the pegs/blocks, specifically the ones that are colored orange, but other colors help you in different ways. Blue ones are basic, they just give a few points and bounce the ball, purple ones give you lots of points, and green ones are special.

You see, when you play, you play with the help of a slightly anthropomorphized animal companion. They sit at the top of the screen on the ball launcher and occasionally give you useless tips. But they also each have a special ability that takes effect once you break a green peg/brick. For example, the Crab dude puts pinball-flipper claws on the side of the screen for you for a few turns, the pharaoh Cat makes the ball catcher thing at the bottom wider, and the space Alien makes shit blow up. These characters all have (not quite) clever names and themes, but I am too lazy to look them all up on gamefaqs right now, so whatever.

Here are some ideas for new animal helpers for future editions of Peggle. I also took the liberty of MS Painting what they might look like.

Red State the Elephant

Red State believes in the free market, family values, and bootstraps. BOOTSTRAPS. Red State can be a stalwart ally, but be warned: if you're not with him, you're against him.

Special Power: Social Darwinism

Once a green peg or brick has been struck, on the next turn, Social Darwinism goes into effect for 1 turn. If you clear 50,000 points in that shot, you'll get your point total for that shot doubled. If you fail to do so, you'll have your point total for that shot halved. The wealthy deserve the breaks!

Von Poopenheimer the Dung Beetle

Von Poopenheimer is pleased to meet you! He has brought a special present all the way here, just for you! He made it himself!

Special Power: Ding Dong Dung

Once the green peg is struck, Ding Dong Dung activates for the rest of that turn and an additional 2 turns. The longer the ball stays on the screen for a turn, the bigger, heavier, and browner it becomes.

Pimpossible the Peacock

Pimpossible has asked me to make this very clear: he will cut you. Don't think he wont, he will cut your face. As long as he gets paid, we all cool. But don't even test him, he will cut your damn face.

Special Power: Big Pimpin'

Once a green peg is struck, for the next 5 turns there will be 3 purple pegs per turn instead of 1. Strike all three in a turn for a Bling Bling Bonus (2x multiplier!) That's how Pimpossible rolls.

Smokey Cough the Three-Toed Sloth

Dude, just like... chill a minute. Smokey is, like, heh heh, he's like, heh heh, umm... dude, he's like, busy. Hey, are you gonna eat those leaves? I mean, like, if you're not gonna eat them anyway... heh heh heh.

Special Power: Altered Perception

Once a green peg is struck, for the rest of that turn and for 3 subsequent turns, the ball catcher and any moving pegs will move at 1/2 speed. Make sure to have some snacks nearby.

Hugh Mann the Human

What? What's this? The human animal? By all that is sacred, our attempt to create a beast with the viciousness of a lion, the cunning of a fox, the dexterity of an ape, and the social understanding of a wolf succeeded. God help us all, it succeeded.

Special Power: Awareness of Mortality

Once a green peg is struck, for the duration of that turn, and for 1 additional turn, the ball will gain limited movement abilities and will actively seek to avoid falling off the screen. And when it does inevitably fall, it will either weep or scream. Enjoy!

Rejected Pug Names

Meredith is very excited about the prospect of adopting a pug from a pug rescue organization. Part of bringing a new animal into a home is giving him or her a suitable name. Below are some names that the new pug will absolutely not be getting.

• Anything that rhymes with "pug." This includes, but is not limited to: Ug, Rug, Doug, Chug-a-lug, Earplug, Bearhug, Hapsbu(r)g.
• Dane Cook
• Popeye
• Adolf
• Hitler
• Adolf Hitler
• Ugly Motherf*cker
• Sir Mix-a-Little
• Puppy O'Daniel
• Jellyfish
• Mayonnaise
• Slave
• Slav
• Salve
• Dr. Dookie
• Frederick Dog-lass
• Pug-atory

On a more serious note, if you are thinking of getting a pet, please visit your local animal shelter or a rescue agency (see the hyperlink above for the one Meredith is using). There are so many animals out there in need of good homes that it really makes no sense at all to go to a breeder, pet store (unless the pet is something like a fish, mouse, etc.), or less reputable option. Also, help control the pet population. Have your pet spayed or neutered!