The Superhero Films I Would've Made Instead

SPOILERS WILL ABOUND, AND SO MIGHT PROFANITY. YOU ARE WARNED.

So, let's get right out in front of it. I love geeky things. Always have, always will. I don't love geeky things exclusively, I love lots of things, but that "lots of things" always has and always will include lots of geeky things. One of the geeky things I've loved since childhood is the world of comic books and superheroes. I watched the cartoons, I collected the comic books, I had action figures, a few trading cards, posters, a subscription to Wizard magazine. I would draw my heroes in all sorts of notebooks, existing ones and ones of my own creation. I think of superheroes as the mythology of our culture, just like the Greeks, the Romans, the Egyptians, the Vikings all had their own tales of heroes and villains with powers far beyond those of normal mortals. Hell, comic books even co-opted some of those very characters and they fit right in (off the top of my head, Thor, Loki, Hercules, and Count Dracula [I know, he's not ancient mythology, but based off of Slavic folklore] have all played at least somewhat major roles in the Marvel universe).

You can imagine my delight at the explosion of the superhero movie genre starting with about the turn of the 21st century. It helped immensely that my favorite superheroes, the X-Men, were the ones that really kicked off this trend. X-Men was a solid comic book movie. X2: X-Men United was even better. Spider-Man was a good comic book movie. Spider-Man 2 was even better. Sure there were some shitty movies mixed in (what up, Ang Lee's Hulk? Oh sorry, is that you, Fantastic Four?) but on the whole, superhero movies were on the rise. Some were incredible. Sin City, Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, Iron Man... and yes, I'm jumping all over the place chronologically, deal with it.

Not all the superhero movies have been wholly satisfying for me though. Some, while not being outright piles of crap, are not what they should've been either. Let's chat for a minute about two films I wish I could turn back time on and make a different movie instead, and two films that don't yet exist, but that I have ideas for.

X-Men: The Last Stand was garbage. It did have moments, aspects I enjoyed, absolutely. But compare Brett Ratner's foray into the world of the merry mutants (who am I talking like here, Stan frickin' Lee?) with Bryan Singer's two entries. Night and day. This is, of course, barring the fact that Halle Berry, while a gifted actress, is a terrible Storm in all of them. But I'm not here to run down my list of complaints with this movie, I'm here to say what I would do differently.

For one thing, I would've slowed the events down. OK, Jean "dies" at the end of 2. Perfect. We're building up to the Phoenix stuff. So in 3, let's bring her back already so quickly we barely missed her, fly right through Phoenix and go straight to Dark Phoenix. If we're lucky, we'll hardly feel anything at all. Contracts be damned, I would've had Jean Grey stay dead for the entirety of the third movie. How will we miss her if she's never gone? I would've brought her back in a fourth film as Phoenix (and I'm not being a canon fanboy, let's find a way to do this that works in a live action film and doesn't seem comic book-y and schlocky) and let her spend that entire film as Phoenix. Maybe hint at the fact that she has a little bit of issues controlling the power, but keep that to foreshadowing for a fifth film, wherein Dark Phoenix is THE plotline. Not a subthread of Magneto taking over Alcatraz.

I would've also focused less on Wolverine. I know he's the cash cow of the X-Men franchise and I wouldn't write him out, but let's work with an ensemble a little here, folks. We had 3 Wolverine movies, and then a Wolverine movie, because we might not have gotten enough Wolverine (don't get me wrong, great character and Hugh Jackman is great in the role). Could we give Storm an actual character please (and maybe a different actress while we're at it)? Could we not kill Cyclops off screen, a death to which nobody particularly reacts? The strength of the X-Men media has been the fact that they're a team and the personalities play off each other and it's not just one person in the spotlight. I love Wolverine but let's build up the others a bit and give them more to do in my imagined movie.

So what WOULD I have done for a plotline? Sentinels. Not necessarily the hulking purple tin soldiers of the comics and the cartoon, probably smaller and sleeker. More human sized. Hell, have them be modified humans like the Sentinels in the Operation: Zero Tolerance plotline. If we need to give Magneto something villainous to do because he's getting too likable after teaming up with the X-Men in the second film, have him hijack the Sentinels partway through for his own purposes. We can even keep the mutant cure plotline maybe, because nothing is going to make you want to cure your mutancy like robots designed to capture or kill you unless you're a normal human. Adds a whole new level of urgency to the decision, no? The thing I like about the Sentinels is it would build on the themes of prejudice vs. acceptance from the first two films. Humans create the Sentinels because they fear the mutants. The mutants are forced to fight for their lives, which reinforces the idea that they're dangerous, etc. etc. And I would've waited for Byran Singer to finish his other commitment then direct the movie LIKE HE WANTED TO DO rather than get impatient and bring that hack Ratner on board.

Spider-Man 3 was a mediocre film. What would I do differently? Not that much actually, except ask Sam Raimi to make two awesome Spider-Man movies instead of one rushed, jumbled Spider-Man movie. Did we really need the New Goblin, the Sandman, and Venom all in the same film? My complaints about the way it went down are summed up best in the movie scene when Sandman and Venom's teaming up is established with a 15-second scene in an alley where they meet by chance and basically go "Hey, you hate Spider-Man too, right?" Come on, guys. So yes, introduce the black symbiote suit and let that be the major plot here. Give me Sandman. Sure, maybe even New Goblin. And yes, give me Eddie Brock. But DO NOT MAKE HIM VENOM YET. Let this movie establish his rivalry and jealousy towards Peter. Let this movie establish the black symbiote costume. Let the final scene of the film be the embittered, angry Eddie Brock encountering the symbiote for the first time and set up for Spider-Man 4, the Venom one.

They're working on a Captain America movie. I don't know a whole lot about it other than I saw some pretty decent concept art for Cap's costume. I don't think they're going the way I envision for this movie (although maybe they are and they'll surprise me), but what I wanted, to really stand out amongst a crowded field of superhero movies, was a period piece. Captain America works best in World War II. His nationalist get-up screams pro-American forces propaganda (I'm using propaganda here without negative connotations, I'm very much on the side of the Allies in WWII). So let's make a superhero period piece. And go for broke, go for historical accuracy in costuming, set design, vernacular. Make it a legit WWII movie and let's have Cap struggle with having to be the perfect super soldier not just to win in combat but to serve as a symbol for the US to rally around.

OK, last one. There will be a third Batman in the Nolan reboot franchise, of course. Here's my thing: you're not going to get bigger than the mayhem the Joker wreaks in Dark Knight without losing some of the gritty realism of the new franchise. Buildings were collapsing and burning, Batman had sonar-vision, the city was a wreck. Going bigger means getting ridiculous. So how do you raise the stakes without going bigger? Make the threat more intimate. I present to you a revamp of the Mad Hatter. No longer is the Alice in Wonderland stuff just a cute gimmick, this Mad Hatter is a child (pre-teen?) abductor, rapist, and murderer. He is looking for his Alice. He finds candidates, takes them, and ultimately casts them aside, unsatisfied. It's sickening, it's upsetting, and it's how you raise the stakes without going bigger. But Batman's not a 12-year-old girl, you say. How is the threat more intimate? Commissioner Gordon is established as having a son and a daughter. Guess who gets kidnapped to raise the stakes for Batman, already frustrated by failing to catch the Mad Hatter yet. There we go.

So there we go, four film franchises and where I would've taken them or would like to see them go. Please post comments! Tell me what you think! Tell me your own ideas!

Odds and Ends

So, for anyone wondering why there was no post last week, I was in Sao Paulo, Brazil visiting my parents for a little over a week. I did have access to a computer with internet, but I was on vacation and decided to extend that vacation to blogging as well (read: L-A-Z-Y). I wasn't really sure what to post today, as I have a few ideas in my head but nothing really compelling. Sorry there won't be a Tales From The Lebowskis entry this week, but next week there should be a new one up. So today's post will just be a few unrelated thoughts and commentaries without any sort of connecting thread. Without further ado...

• Brazil (or at least Sao Paulo) is a cool place to visit, but I don't think I'd do well living there. For one thing, driving is insanity down there. 4-way intersections don't really NEED stops signs, right Sao Paulo? Why would you want to warn anyone that the left two lanes are about to completely diverge from the road they're on? Why shouldn't streets be named after the ENTIRETY of a person's name, including title (Rua Professor Rolando Angelo Tenuto? Rua Doutor Gentil Liente Martins?)? I mean, you can just pick a random word from the string of names and throw that on the sign, can't you? Good food down there, though.
• Inglourious Basterds is awesome. It makes you expect, want, or dread things happening, then doubt they would really go that way, then gives you exactly what you initially expected/wanted/dreaded but you're suprised anyway. And does it very skillfully and with great style and panache. And the currents of dark humor that run through the veins of this revenge flick bubble to the surface at perfect moments to break tension and make you laugh in the middle of some very suspenseful events.
• Ted Kennedy died. That is very sad. Regardless of your opinion of his politics, he was an influential man who worked hard in the Senate to pursue goals he believed were right for the country. I would like to relate an anecdote about Ted Kennedy from my days in college: Teddy came to my college one day when the Prime Minister of Ireland was also visiting and speaking. An acquaintence of mine, who we'll call Ryan Soda was in attendance at this event, as he was a prominent College Democrat. Ryan Soda was a big man. A very big man. Hulka-sized, although maybe not as tall. After the Prime Minister was done speaking, Ryan boldly approached Senator Kennedy and asked him if he would care to retire to somewhere nearby and enjoy some alcoholic libations. "That's the best idea I've heaahd all day!" replied the Senator. And so off they went to the hotel on campus, which featured a hotel bar. And Ryan Soda proceeded to go drink-for-drink with Teddy Kennedy, a man famous for being not only the "Lion of the Senate", but a lion of alcohol consumption as well. I hope wherever Ryan Soda is today, he is raising a glass (or a dozen glasses or so) to his old drinking buddy, Edward Kennedy, Jr.
• While on vacation, I had a chance to read another Kurt Vonnegut novel, Breakfast of Champions. It was very good. With each passing work I read by Vonnegut, the more I wish he was still alive so I could meet him some day. His writing style seems so simple, straightforward, and honest. It is deceptively skillful to be able to write so well and seem so direct and be so damn funny. Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., to you I raise a glass (or a dozen glasses or so).
• It was recently confirmed that I can now list all 195 nations currently recognized by the United Nations without the aid of a map or checklist. Thanks, Sporcle!
  

Bruno: Close, But No (Phallic) Cigar

I have been a fan of Sacha Baron Cohen and his zany personae since about 2001. A friend of mine found a few clips of Ali G from his run on the BBC our freshman year at college shared on the network. How he found them I'm not exactly sure, this was back when there was no search engine or file sharing hub for the network so you had to search shared hard drives individually. Anyway, somehow he stumbled across these video clips that had us in stitches, quoting Ali to each other for months and years to come. Since then, I was delighted when those of us in the States were treated to HBO's Da Ali G Show, I was mildly entertained by Ali G's big screen endeavor, Ali G Indahouse, and I was overwhelmingly thrilled with 2006's Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.

Rarely if ever have I laughed as hard in a movie theater as I did at Borat. The whole theater was full of raucous laughter, in fact, on the opening night show I attended as part of a Borat release party I hosted with my roommate at the time. Subsequent viewings helped me find less obvious jokes in Borat, and also helped me really think about which gags were funny because they were shocking and which gags were well-done comedy (many were both). I've had a long time to reflect on Borat, and my admiration for it as a groundbreaking comedy film has not waned.

Of course, I was very excited to see Bruno, Sacha Baron Cohen's latest film endeavor. While I've always considered Bruno to be the bronze medal of Cohen's characters, I still had high hopes for the film, seeing as Cohen's 3rd movie attempt would likely benefit from his increased experience in making a feature-length movie. I saw Bruno about six days ago, and have had time to process it now. On the whole, I really enjoyed it. But I must say, I think Borat still trumps it in my opinion. Having taken some time to explore why that is, I will try to explain my contrasts and comparisons here.

There are probably going to be spoilers for one or both films, read at your own risk.

First of all, I think one of the main differences in the films is the likability of the protagonists. Borat, while misogynistic and anti-semitic, was portrayed as a naive innocent whose faulty world views were a direct result of his fictionalized homeland's policies and culture. We, the audience, are sympathetic to Borat because he is trying his best to get by with no knowledge of American social graces or customs. Much of the laughter in Borat comes from his "honest" misconceptions, such as believing human feces should be bagged and discarded, believing pubic hair is a viable resource for bartering, or believing, like a child who has read a scary fairy tale, that Jews are shapeshifting monsters who will kill him if they can. Bruno, in contrast, should know better. Neither being gay nor being Austrian should impart the same level of social ineptitude that Borat's fictionalized homeland of Kazakhstan believably does. Bruno comes across as shallow and somewhat vapid instead of just naive. The character is still quite funny, don't get me wrong, he's just not as easy to root for.

Secondly, while there is some real daring, gut-busting humor in Bruno, a little too much comes from laughing at the fact that, "hey, he's gay! That's so weird and raunchy!" For example, faked up photos of Bruno holding his adopted son in a hot tub while other gay friends engage in sex acts seems to erroneously conflate being gay with lacking sexual boundaries. It could easily be said that the character of Bruno is simply both gay and wild sexually, but this is not the layered image that will likely stay with viewers. GLAAD seems to agree. Let me say though, again, a lot of the movie was hilarious. Even some moments that didn't sit quite right with me still had me laughing. The problem is, the movie simultaneously lampoons homophobia and homosexuality, leading to a mixed, although still largely positive response from me.

Third, some of the jokes don't work quite as well as some of the jokes in Borat. Bruno certainly has it's share of stunningly funny moments (the "special guest" who screams Bruno's name at the end of his TV pilot episode is notably hysterical), but walks across the finish line in a few gags. Let's compare two similar gags from Borat and Bruno: the recurring chicken gag from Borat and the recurring dildo-bike gag from Bruno. The jokes are similar, with both featuring an outlandish accessory appearing unexpectedly in shots throughout the films. However, in my opinion, the chicken gag is much funnier. Here's why: it makes less sense. Hear me out on this.

While the dildo-bike's mere existence is much more ridiculous than the chicken's, once we establish that the chicken and dildo-bike do exist and do belong to their respective film protagonists, the chicken becomes funnier. Once we establish Bruno owns a dildo-bike, we assume he makes use of it. It is not a one-time use item. It makes some level of sense for him to drag it around with him, if he truly enjoys it so much, even though it is ungainly and awkward. The chicken makes no sense. Why is it in a suitcase? Is it food? If it's food, why hasn't he eaten it yet? If it's a pet, why is it lugged around like an item? What has the chicken been doing while it was off-screen? Has it been fed? There are so many unanswered questions about the chicken, while the dildo-bike leaves very few questions beyond, "did he remember to wash that thing before dragging it onto the street?" Both gags are funny, the chicken is better comedy.

Both films are brilliant in some aspects. Sacha Baron Cohen is totally willing to put himself in literal physical danger for comedy, and it shows in both films. There's a real genius to the way he conducts his interviews and leads his marks into the punchlines he's concocted. He becomes his characters totally, not even breaking scene while drunk or being whipped by a belt. All of this holds true in Bruno, so don't let my critiques turn you away from this daring and very funny film. But don't expect to walk away as satisfied as you did from Borat, if you liked Borat. Let's call it an admirable silver medal, which, hey, is a step up from the bronze Bruno held on the TV show.