An Open Letter to Aaron McGruder: G$Money & Ghost Clown

Dear Aaron McGruder,

I want to talk about an idea with you, an idea for an animated series. I've actually had this idea for years and at first, I had no idea who could make it with me. I can't make it alone, and not just because I don't have money, an animation production company, any scriptwriting experience or professional cartooning training. Part of the problem is that, put bluntly, I'm white. I do not have the cultural knowledge or experience to make this show. Aaron, I need you. As a fan of "The Boondocks", I know you would get what I want to make. Your humor, art, and views are perfect for this idea. The idea is called "G$Money & Ghost Clown."

It started with a throwaway drawing in college I did to entertain friends. A hip hop radio DJ and a clown ghost. But the idea of the characters stuck with me. It quickly evolved into an idea for an animated series, a love letter to the action-adventure/comedy cartoons I grew up with like "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" and "The Real Ghostbusters," complete with gimmicky plots and continuity errors. It would be so easy to do it and have it suck, but you and I, Aaron, you and I could make it work.

The premise is simple. G$Money, upon putting on his father's old G necklace realizes he can see ghosts, and one in fact is "living" in his new apartment: Ghost Clown. While they initially don't get along, the two soon become friends. It is not long before another ghost shows up, an ancient Sensei of the Dragon Clan who informs them they are the fated pair and begins instructing them in tandem supernatural combat so they can fulfill their unnamed destiny. Unbeknownst to them, Sensei's old rival from the Tiger Clan has been training G$Money's childhood bully, Big T (who has a T necklace with identical supernatural powers to the G necklace... how mysterious...) and yet another ghost, PoGhost, a springy pogo-stick-like spirit. They frequently clash as rivals, naturally.

Caroline, a grad student of parapsychology and mythology takes an interest in the heroes and the crew is complete. They investigate (usually against G$Money's will) various ghostly apparitions and do battle and whatnot. Supporting characters show up like G$Momma, G$Money's mom and Ghost Dad, Ghost Clown's dad (yes, that Ghost Dad). Eventually the real villain, Cardinal Arqueis shows up, the disgraced head of a secret Vatican office in charge of controlling and suppressing the supernatural. When he steals the G necklace to power a device that removes all supernatural phenomena from the earth, G$Money and Big T have to put their differences aside to track it down using the T necklace together. The machine destroyed, a scramble begins to obtain other artifacts that complete the set with the G and T necklaces (which allow the wearers to see and interact with ghosts): the S sword and H hammer that can strike the supernatural and the O ring, which allows the wearer to control a spirit. (It spells GHOST because why not). Eventually the barrier between our world and the spirit world is broken completely and the heroes must overcome their rivalry yet again to work together and defeat Cardinal Arqueis and his fallen angel spirit.

So, as you can tell, the danger I fall into is that I'm too much of a geek and I love coming up with the nerdy aspects of this way too easily. I need someone like you, Aaron, to keep the humor strong. I need your help writing characters that aren't just stereotypes. It would be a genre shift for you, I know, but if you ever want to splash out and do something new and different, hit me up. This could be a beautiful friendship.

Love,
Remus Thirty

Food Products, Essentially

So apparently, on a recent episode of Bill O'Reilly's television show on Fox News ("The O'Reilly Factor", series working title: "An Embittered, Privileged, Middle-Aged White Man Complains About Everyone Who Is Not Him") Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly visited to discuss the forced dispersal of Occupy UC Davis protestors from a campus quad by police. Including egregious use of large quantities of pepper spray on unarmed, peaceful protestors (uh oh, if sitting is a sprayable offense, I'm going to get pepper DRENCHED some day!). Megyn, whose name Bill O'Reilly would probably complain was intolerable if she had any other job besides Fox News Anchor, informed us that pepper spray is, in fact, "a food product essentially". You know, because it's made from pepper. OK Megyn, let's play by your rules. Here's a few other substances that are food products, essentially, and by your logic must be at least somewhat OK to use on peaceful citizens, in moderation.

1) Nutraloaf - A food amalgam that provides nutrition while effectively functioning as a punishment in prison. It is so bad that the legality of feeding it to inmates is regularly questioned as cruel and unusual punishment. Feeding it to people is tantamount to depriving them of food, even though it sustains life. It is probably the worst thing someone can be forced to eat that is still technically food. But it is, of course, "a food product, essentially."

2) Rock Salt - The stuff you use so you don't slip and break your neck on your outdoor stairs contains the stuff (sodium chloride) that you use with malt vinegar to make french fries extra awesome. This is the same stuff Budd uses as shotgun ammo in Kill Bill to incapacitate The Bride. But apparently this is just fine. I mean, "it's a food product, essentially."

3) Blowfish Toxin - In several Asian cuisines, knowledgeable chefs are able to prepare highly toxic fish for human consumption. For example, the puffer fish or fugu is considered a delicacy in Japan. Well, the parts that aren't fatal anyway. The parts that are fatal are really damn fatal. Puffer fish are some of the most poisonous animals on the planet. But, since they can be eaten, I guess we must consider their toxin "a food product, essentially."

4) Cyanide - Cyanide, a poison so well known for being poisonous it doesn't need to be explained when it kills people in shitty cop shows, can be found in trace amounts in almonds, apple pips, cherry, peach, and apricot pits, and the cassava root. In most of those, the amount is negligible, and easily dealt with by the digestive system, although the cassava, if prepared improperly, can be toxic. However, I'd say it easily meets Megyn Kelly's criteria for "a food product, essentially."

5) Human Entrails - Cannibalism is a thing, a thing that is done sometimes. Probably as long as there have been people, some of those people have opted to eat others of those people. Maybe due to starvation, maybe due to religious belief, maybe due to bizarre curiosity. It would be nice if we could believe that every instance of cannibalism was basically a Uruguayan rugby team in the Andes sort of incident, but we all know that's not true. Some people choose to eat other people even though other non-people foods are present. So I guess that makes chunks of human flesh food. Or at least, "a food product, essentially." If the cops start lobbing human heads at the protestors via catapult like it was Minas Tirith or some shit, it's nice to know we'll be able to count on Fox News to spin that damage.

A Treat for the Feet

I'm always reminded upon obtaining new pairs of socks of just how good new socks feel. No mass has yet been lost to washing, yet you know the socks will never be cleaner. Thick, soft, a delight all around. There was a time when I was disappointed by receiving new socks for Christmas or a birthday, but now I know that the gift of putting on a brand new pair of socks is quite excellent.

One of the most deliciously decadent ideas I've ever heard was two friends wondering what it would cost to wear new socks every day for the rest of one's life. Let's explore. The price for a 6-pack of men's white crew socks from a major online retailer is listed at a sale price of $8.99, and an everyday price of $11.99. Let's average those to approximately $10 per 6-pack, as of the market values of December 2006. There are 365 days per year (not counting leap years), so 365/6 rounds up to 61 packages of socks per year needed. Multiplied by our price of $10, this plan would run the average adult male approximately $610.00 per year.

Now, I know it may be silly to assume that my poor diet, lack of exercise, and generally spotty luck won't kill me by the time I'm 35, but let's for the sake of argument assume I'm going to live out the average American's lifespan. This would mean that I can plan on living to the ripe age of 77.85 years. I am currently approximately 23.79 years of age. This leaves 54.06 years to go. This isn't at all morbid.

Let's bring it all home. With 54.06 years to go, at an expected amount (ignoring inflation rates, of course) of $610.00 per year, to wear brand new socks every day for the rest of my natural life, I would spend approximately $32,976.60 USD. That is the official price of luxury, my friends.