In The Name of Justice

As you may have already heard, Supreme Court Justice David Souter has announced plans to retire this summer from his post. Already the political world is abuzz regarding his potential replacement on the bench. Some are suggesting that Obama might want to pick someone who is not a sitting judge, as the Supreme Court is already chock full of former judges, as reported here. There is also talk that the next appointment should be female, so that Ruth Bader Ginsberg will stop snidely referring to the rest of her peers as "a total sausagefest."*

Here are some potential female non-judge candidates that Obama probably will not pick, but in case he is reading this, pros and cons will be discussed for each individual.


Youree Dell Harris aka Miss Cleo

Pros: Ability to predict the future would help Supreme Court make the most informed decisions possible, Supreme Court would no longer be comprised of just straight, white people (yes, I know Clarence Thomas is there).

Cons: If she were going to be selected, wouldn't she know it already? Also, the Supreme Court would not allow competition with their 1-900-HOT-LAWS hotline.

Comments: Apparently she is a professional shaman now, and that's pretty neat. She probably wouldn't want to give that up. Justice Cleo sounds pretty cool though.

Queen Elizabeth II

Pros: Experience dealing with political issues, personal grace and aplomb.

Cons: Not a US Citizen, unfamiliar with US legal system and laws, refuses to change residence and would need costly teleconferencing at all times.

Comments: Her Royal Highness is beloved by her people and looks to be in good health for her age. Also, Scott Thompson does a good Queen impression and this would give him great material to work with. However, some Americans might doubt the Queen's loyalty to the USA, seeing as she is a foreign sovereign.


Stephenie Meyer

Pros: Would stop her from turning out any more Twilight crap.

Cons: Court opinions would decrease writing quality by 78%, doesn't know A DAMN THING about vampires, possibly retarded.

Comments: "Justice Alito glisteningly turned his sparkling head towards Justice Kennedy, who sparkled glisteningly as the light glistened on his sparkling robe." Seriously, there's like several cultures worth of vampire lore and the best you've got is sparkly teen angst?



Hope Solo

Pros: Olympic goalie would improve Court's intramural team's chances this year, awesome name.

Cons: Might take goalie training too seriously and block all decisions from making it through.

Comments: Hope Solo is an incredible goalie and was able to block every shot Brazil made in the 2008 Summer Olympics Women's Soccer Gold Medal match. Brazil! They breathe soccer there for air! I know because my parents are there and they are suffocating because they have not learned how to breathe soccer (my dad likes to watch and play it though). Also, if Han Solo had a daughter, her name might be Hope Solo and that is really cool. If Han Solo does actually have a daughter in some ridiculous Star Wars novel or fan fiction or something, don't bother telling me, I don't care.


Bea Arthur

Pros: Bea Arthur.

Cons: Deceased.

Comments: If Miss Cleo is chosen, maybe she could channel Bea and we'd get two of these options for the price of one! That is a deal you do not find every day, America.





If any of these women are picked, I want a position in the Obama cabinet for being that good a political predictor.

*Justice Ginsberg probably has not actually said this, but if she has, she is even cooler than I thought.