Peggle (Not The Same As Pegging)

Peggle is a game available on Windows, Mac OS X, Xbox 360, Nintendo DS, iPod, iPod Touch, and iPhone. Thanks to my recently acquired, super cheap Xbox 360 ($80!) I have been enjoying playing Peggle this week. The game is fairly simple, each stage is a static image upon which an array of moving or stationary pegs and blocks are overlayed, and the goal is to shoot small silver balls from the top-center of the screen and bounce them around like Plinko to break the pegs/blocks, specifically the ones that are colored orange, but other colors help you in different ways. Blue ones are basic, they just give a few points and bounce the ball, purple ones give you lots of points, and green ones are special.

You see, when you play, you play with the help of a slightly anthropomorphized animal companion. They sit at the top of the screen on the ball launcher and occasionally give you useless tips. But they also each have a special ability that takes effect once you break a green peg/brick. For example, the Crab dude puts pinball-flipper claws on the side of the screen for you for a few turns, the pharaoh Cat makes the ball catcher thing at the bottom wider, and the space Alien makes shit blow up. These characters all have (not quite) clever names and themes, but I am too lazy to look them all up on gamefaqs right now, so whatever.

Here are some ideas for new animal helpers for future editions of Peggle. I also took the liberty of MS Painting what they might look like.

Red State the Elephant

Red State believes in the free market, family values, and bootstraps. BOOTSTRAPS. Red State can be a stalwart ally, but be warned: if you're not with him, you're against him.

Special Power: Social Darwinism

Once a green peg or brick has been struck, on the next turn, Social Darwinism goes into effect for 1 turn. If you clear 50,000 points in that shot, you'll get your point total for that shot doubled. If you fail to do so, you'll have your point total for that shot halved. The wealthy deserve the breaks!

Von Poopenheimer the Dung Beetle

Von Poopenheimer is pleased to meet you! He has brought a special present all the way here, just for you! He made it himself!

Special Power: Ding Dong Dung

Once the green peg is struck, Ding Dong Dung activates for the rest of that turn and an additional 2 turns. The longer the ball stays on the screen for a turn, the bigger, heavier, and browner it becomes.

Pimpossible the Peacock

Pimpossible has asked me to make this very clear: he will cut you. Don't think he wont, he will cut your face. As long as he gets paid, we all cool. But don't even test him, he will cut your damn face.

Special Power: Big Pimpin'

Once a green peg is struck, for the next 5 turns there will be 3 purple pegs per turn instead of 1. Strike all three in a turn for a Bling Bling Bonus (2x multiplier!) That's how Pimpossible rolls.

Smokey Cough the Three-Toed Sloth

Dude, just like... chill a minute. Smokey is, like, heh heh, he's like, heh heh, umm... dude, he's like, busy. Hey, are you gonna eat those leaves? I mean, like, if you're not gonna eat them anyway... heh heh heh.

Special Power: Altered Perception

Once a green peg is struck, for the rest of that turn and for 3 subsequent turns, the ball catcher and any moving pegs will move at 1/2 speed. Make sure to have some snacks nearby.

Hugh Mann the Human

What? What's this? The human animal? By all that is sacred, our attempt to create a beast with the viciousness of a lion, the cunning of a fox, the dexterity of an ape, and the social understanding of a wolf succeeded. God help us all, it succeeded.

Special Power: Awareness of Mortality

Once a green peg is struck, for the duration of that turn, and for 1 additional turn, the ball will gain limited movement abilities and will actively seek to avoid falling off the screen. And when it does inevitably fall, it will either weep or scream. Enjoy!