Tales From The Lebowskis - Great Jaja Adventures, Vol. 4

Towards the end of his life, John "Great Jaja" Lebowski was a man who enjoyed routine. "Enjoyed" actually may not be the right word. It wasn't so much that he enjoyed the routine, it's more that he became agitated when things deviated from his routine at all. The older he got (and he lived into his mid-90's), the more crotchety and obstinate he became. The thing is, he was already crotchety and obstinate as a younger man. So yeah, he liked things a certain way. This story, "The Best Damn Soup" tells of a time when Great Jaja learned to change his ways ever so slightly.

Great Jaja lived on his own up until almost the very end. He was constantly attended by his daughter, Pat Lebowski and his daughter-in-law Mary Lebowski nee Jerboa (my grandmother Nonnie) as well as other relatives and descendants, but he did live in his own house and prepare many of his own meals. He tended towards the same fare, over and over. He was particularly fond of Port wine, Chicken in a Biskit crackers, eggs, and oatmeal (these items were not usually eaten in combination). Something he had enjoyed at various points throughout his life was raw littleneck clams. I'm not a seafood fan in general, so maybe sucking raw clam out of the shell doesn't seem as gross to others as it does to me, but it seemed pretty gross to me. The smell in particular I always found borderline nauseating.

For a period of time in his later years, Great Jaja rediscovered littleneck clams and took to eating them a lot. A lot a lot. Like 2 dozen a day a lot. He would have my grandmother drive him down to Super Stop & Shop located 3 small towns away from his home every day to get another 2 dozen clams. He usually couldn't wait for her to finish her other errands and would begin eating them in the car. I know, because I was frequently along for these trips during the summer, because my sister Meghan and I would spend the days at Nonnie and Jaja's house when school was out. On one notable trip, Great Jaja decided he had to pee while Meghan and I were waiting with him in the car while Nonnie bought his clams. He opened the car door, I assumed it was to get out of the car and walk into the supermarket and find a bathroom. I was wrong. He sort of leaned towards the open door and peed onto the parking lot. My sister and I remained silent and thankful that the front row of seats shielded his escapade from our view.

Anyway, Great Jaja's diet became more and more clam-based. My grandmother, mother, and aunts being nurses, they were concerned that 2 dozen clams a day, supplemented by wine, crackers, eggs, and oatmeal was not really a nutritionally balanced diet. So they decided to add some nutrients by buying Ensure drinks for Great Jaja. Lest the images in that link confuse an upcoming detail, at that time, Ensure came in cans, not little plastic bottles. Anyway, they bought him a pack of Ensure and left it in his fridge for him to discover. When they returned a few days later and checked the fridge, the cans were gone. It was a success! He had expanded his diet to include the nutritious shakes!

So my aunt, Patty "Pappy" Lebowski (the one who was in the Springfield Bus Terminal with Great Jaja) asked him about it. "Jaj," she asked, "you liked those Ensure shakes we bought you?" This confused Great Jaja. "Shakes? What the hell you talkin' about goddammit?"

"Ensure shakes, the shakes we put in the fridge!"

"God damn it, I don't know what shakes, what god damn shakes?"

"Jaj, the cans in your fridge. They weren't there before Sunday, now they're gone, so I know you're drinking them!"

"Cans? The hell, you mean the soup?"

Yes, readers, soup. You see, somehow my great-grandfather had confused Ensure shakes, which come in flavors such as chocolate and strawberry and are stored in refrigerators to be consumed cold with cans of soup. You know, soup. The liquid meal served hot in flavors such as chicken noodle, tomato, or clam chowder. Not only had he made this error in perception, he went whole f-ing hog with it. He had been taking a can at a time, and putting it in a pot to boil. Although, perhaps that's not a specific enough description. You're probably picturing this old man pouring chocolate nutrition shake into a pot and cooking it. This is not accurate. He was placing the entire sealed can into the pot and adding water around the can, then boiling it. Somehow this never exploded in his face. I wished him no harm, but by the laws of physics you'd think it should have exploded.

Once the can had reached a sufficient temperature, he would open the can (how he did this without burning his hands off escapes me), pour it into a bowl, and bring it to his table. Once comfortably seated, he would then season his ice-cream flavored hot meal with salt and pepper. Then, he would eat it. And not just eat it. He LOVED it. I'm ready to gag picturing it, but he couldn't get enough. He demanded more be provided, and continued doing this until he had to spend his last few weeks in assisted living.

"Soup!?" Pappy replied, "Jaj, that's not soup!"

"The hell it's not! Best damn soup I ever tasted. Gonna put Campbell's right out of business!"