Tales From The Lebowskis - Great Jaja Adventures, Vol. 1

Let me start by squelching some hopes. This post has nothing to do with the cult classic (and personal favorite) film, The Big Lebowski. As those of you who have been following my blog are aware, I post under a pseudonym. Many of you probably think this is silly, and some of you have in fact told me so. That's OK. I have my reasons, and they're good enough for me. Since I am not consulting the individuals involved in today's (and future) tales, I figured I would extend them the same courtesy and conceal their true identities. My mother's maiden name is not Lebowski, but it's close enough and certainly indicates the correct ethnic heritage that her surname carried. And it is a total geek bonus for an Urban Achiever like myself to take this name on.

Anyway, that explained, I would like to introduce you to what will be a continuing feature of Shorts Below Freezing: Tales From The Lebowskis. My family is insane. I know that everybody says that, it's a painful cliche (accent mark, get on there. Come on, please?) at this point. But my family, at least the Lebowski side, is insane in the way that actually makes for pretty good stories. This is the first of many tales from the Lebowski family, and the first of several starring my great grandfather, Great Jaja. Jaja is a Polish word for grandfather, FYI. I will warn you, some of the language used in this story is, um, not politically correct. Great Jaja came from a different time, and the stories would lose their potency if the language was changed. If certain profanities or ethnic terms offend you, my apologies.

This first "Great Jaja Adventure" takes place in the late 70's or early 80's, probably in the 1978-1981 range. Any Lebowskis reading this, leave a comment with the proper year if you know it! Racial tensions were higher then, and stereotypes about people of color were a bit more freely expressed and accepted, especially by individuals who were a bit older, from working class roots in a town with about five (5) black residents, all of whom were related. This is the backdrop for the first Great Jaja Adventure: A Trip to the Springfield Bus Station. Readers of this blog are probably already aware of the unique character and charm of Springfield today. Subtract 30 years.

Great Jaja had volunteered to accompany my aunt, his granddaughter, Patty Lebowski to the bus station to pick up her older brother, his grandson, my uncle, Dave Lebowski, Jr. who was returning from a semester at college in Albany. Patty was, at the time of the story, in her late teens, possibly as old as 20 or so. She recalls being a "cute little white girl" at the time. This is significant because it is part of the reason she felt very uncomfortable upon their arrival to the bus terminal. They were the only white people there, the only non-black people in fact. Today, this may not matter much. To them, then, with the pervasive sense of racism in the culture at large, it was a big deal.

They were early, and Patty wanted to find a seat and remain as inconspicuous as possible while they waited (you know, like how if you put two polar bears in the corner of a photo full of panthers, you might not see them (yes, you would)). This was fine, for a few moments. But then Great Jaja had an announcement to make, ostensibly to Patty, but loud and unspecific enough that the message was fair game for all to hear. "I gotta take a piss," he informed Patty/everybody. "OK, fine, go!" she hissed in a stage whisper, hoping to let the attention of the room fade from her as quickly as possible. "Alright, goddamnit," he chuckled as he waddled to the men's room. Waddled, by the way, is fairly accurate. The older men in the Lebowski family seem to develop a distinctive swaying walk as they age, I believe due to pain in the knees and hips. It looks kind of like a penguin waddling, but slower.

Great Jaja vanished into the men's room and a minute passed. Two minutes passed. Five minutes passed. Ten minutes. Patty grew more and more anxious, assuming that something awful must've happened to her grandfather. Fifteen minutes. Here she was alone, the only white person left in the Springfield Bus Terminal, a cute, defenseless girl. She'd be completely alone and vulnerable. Twenty minutes. She steeled her nerve and resolved to ask a stranger to go in and check on him. But before she could, out waddles Great Jaja, laughing loudly with a huge black man a full head taller than him, and probably 1/3 his age. "Jaj! Where the hell have you been!?" Patty demanded of him. "Oh, Jesus Christ, I bet you thought I fell in!" Great Jaja replied, loudly. Patty did not think this was funny. "Jaj, what happened? You were in there for like 20 minutes!"

"Oh, Jesus Christ, I went in there to piss and wouldn't you know it, god damn zipper got stuck. I was in there yankin' on that thing trying to get it going and god damn it wouldn't go. Next thing I know that big ol' darkie come in and I say to him, 'you look like a strong young buck, come over here and give this a tug.'"

Let's pause here for a moment. In the middle of a public restroom, at a bus terminal, this senior citizen approached a total stranger and said, "you look like a strong young buck, come over here and give this a tug." While gesturing towards his crotch.

My aunt was similarly incredulous. "You didn't," she uttered, dumbfounded. "Oh sure," he continued, "he had to work at it, but we got it alright." "Jaj," Patty intoned, "what were you thinking? I mean, weren't you worried something... bad could've happened?" "Oh Christ no, I had my ass up against the wall. He couldn't get to my wallet."

That's it for this installment of Tales From The Lebowskis! Stay tuned next time for Great Jaja Adventures, Vol. 2: Tree Hunting!