Obviously I had to cover up the "moon" in this photo (get your jollies elsewhere, you pervs), so this also doubles as another use for a map of the moon. Bonus!
Today's Great Jaja Adventure was initially promised to be the 2nd feature tale, but was pushed back. So here finally is the latest installment of the Tales From The Lebowskis feature, Great Jaja Adventures: Tree Hunting.
Great Jaja lived through the Great Depression. Part of his life included needing to be able to provide food for his family, from whatever source was available. As such, Great Jaja became skilled at and developed a fondness for hunting deer. Deer are plentiful in the Lebowskis' home state, and in fact sometimes need to have their population culled anyway, due to a lack of natural predators. Anyway, for most of his adult life, Great Jaja hunted deer, and god damn it, old age wasn't going to stop him from continuing doing so.
As he got older, during the early-to-mid 1970's (he would've been in his late 60's or so at this point), he found that actually having to go outside into the woods to hunt deer was just too much damn trouble. He was developing arthritis and didn't have the same vigor he once had in his youth. So he did what anybody would do in his position. He mounted a turret in his bedroom window.
The turret itself was simple enough, just a place to mount his hunting rifle in the window and be able to aim with ease. But this wasn't enough. I mean, it was a long shot from his window to the edge of the woods where deer might show up. It wouldn't do to waste costly ammunition on missed shots. So he managed to rig up a floodlight on his turret. I believe he converted it from a car or truck headlamp, but I'm not certain. He was going to use a deer's natural instinct to "freeze in the headlights" to his advantage. You may think this plan cruel, lazy, cheap, or barbaric. He would say, "horseshit" to that.
The night of his first trial came. He waited near his window to spot deer in the gathering night. Luck was with him! One came into view out of the woods, and Great Jaja lined up his shot. At the right moment, he blasted a few thousand lumens in the general direction of the deer's retinas and fired. He scored a direct hit, but not on his intended target. The deer escaped as Great Jaja delivered a string of obscenities that caused the ghost of his grandmother to blush directed at the god damn shit tree that got in the god damn way of his f-ing, shit shot.
In the next day's light, Great Jaja could see that he had managed to mess his tree up pretty badly. Unsightly buckshot damage peppered the trunk. And not only that, this is the tree that ruined his perfect shot (obviously, it must've jumped in the way)! So, the tree would have to go. He called his son, Dave Lebowski Sr. and had him bring his good friend Leo "Bootywitz" (real last names won't show up in these tales, unless they belong to celebrities) up to the house to remove the offending tree. The two men labored intensively to cut down, cut up, and drag away the remains of the once-mighty gunshot victim.
For most people, this would be the end of the story. Actually, for most people, this story wouldn't have even started. But, let's say it got this far for someone else. In that case, this is where the story would end. Not for Great Jaja. There was profit to be had from this misadventure! He phoned his insurance company to tell them the tragic tale of the tree he and his sister had planted in their youth one lovely Arbor Day (complete bullshit, if you weren't sure) and how it had met an untimely end courtesy of a bolt of lightning (also complete bullshit, as you already know). The insurance people asked if they could come inspect the damage. He somehow kept his composure as he lied through his teeth about how it broke his heart to see it in that state, so he had his son chop it down as soon as possible (hey, finally a part of the story that has some truth to it!).
They bought it. And they paid him something like $1,000. In 1973 or thereabouts. He earned $1,000 for accidentally shooting a tree from his bedroom, forcing his son and his son's friend to chop it down, and lying about it. But of course, he shared his reward with Dave and Leo, the hardworking men without whom the tree's gunshot wound would've remained, mocking him. $10 each. Out of a $1,000 payoff. My great-grandfather, the paragon of virtue.
2 comments:
Well, how the hell do you expect him to make any money if he just gives it away to any Tom, Dick, or Harry who earns it?
Great stuff! Even though I've heard these recounted many times you add a flair that can only be topped by Mama Thirty
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